Something my mother sent me...

[waterspyder]

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT:
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY, 

February 11 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor —
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Comments

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

I know, but you're different...and special.

I once had a guy roommate. His name was Jeff. Jeff was a special kind of biped. I theoretically had no objection to living with a guy, and so I let him move in. First night in he asked "So what's for dinner?"
I turned to him deadpan and replied "I dunno, what are you making?".

There are many volumes of Jeff stories with such amusing punchlines as "Could you by any chance tell me why there are kiwis in the bathtub?" and "So what you're saying is that my coffee maker stopped working mysteriously after you put chocolate milk in the back to make hot chocolate?"

[firedolljamie.livejournal.com]

One I can see how this Jeff" might arrive at the logic for. Not necessarily ever believe a non--100%-stoned Jamie would arrive at but the other I cannot.

Why were there kiwis in the bathtub?

[waterspyder.livejournal.com]

The answer to alomst everything I asked Jeff was "I'm not sure" or "I dunno" followed by deep thinking on his part. Eventually Jeff came to the conclusion that he must have bought them (and other groceries), put them in his knapsack, and while sitting on the can when he got home, searched through his backpack for a granola bar, and since the kiwis were on top, he needed to put them somewhere, so he put them in the bathtub, ate the granola bar, left the wrapper on the counter (since I have a rule about no foodstuffs in the bathroom garbage), and then went on his merry way. Perfectly logical, right?